Sometimes I break…

No matter what anyone tells you, no matter what signs mothers wave, what bumper stickers they have or tee shirts they have proclaiming to the world that their Autistic child is proud of who they are. It is a lie. When an Autistic person tells you that, it is also a lie, or it is said out of frustration from dealing with stupid mean ugly hateful neuro-typical people.

I don’t want to be “different” but I most certainly don’t want to be like everyone else, kind of a catch 22 thing.

I WANT TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD I AM FORCED TO LIVE IN!!!

I want to be able to read people’s facial expressions so I know if they are happy, angry or sad, or if they are lying to me, or if I am irritating them, or when a conversation is done.

I don’t want to stand in fear in the middle of the mall because I have lost my husband & I can’t pick his face out of the crowd.

I would love to wear some of the beautiful clothes I see but I can not touch, I would love to be hugged or touched without it hurting my skin & making me want to scream.

I would love to be able to look at something & say “Oh that’s nice” instead of looking at it, wondering how it was built, why it was, where it was, who came up with the idea, how it got to where I am looking at it & what else it could be used for. Seriously I have stood in one aisle at a store for hours, sometimes my husband or kids have to come & get me.

I REALLY would like to know what it is that I say sometimes that sets people off so I can understand why they react or attack the way they do. I would like to know why so many people love lies & get so angry when you tell the truth. I don’t understand how so many can live in these grey areas of life, they lie to people they claim to love, they have affairs, they betray other’s trust, they tell secrets, they turn on me & each other on a dime. They will lie, cheat & steal to get ahead.

They will destroy others just to make themselves look better but what kind of a life do they have that the only joy they can get is to hurt others? What kind of person are they deep inside? How do they sleep with themselves at night?

I continue to trust people & I continue to get hurt, but once in a while I find a couple people who make it worthwhile, people who are not like the others. There are people who know I am autistic & don’t take advantage of it, who know full well what my weaknesses are, who ride through a meltdown with me like a Soldier in Arms, who will smack me up when I spin out of control, or just simply ride the storm with me til it subsides.

I have all the book smarts a person can have, but common sense & social skills are not in my list of attributes. I speak very well & most people don’t even realize that I am autistic, but I am & I still have the shortcomings associated with it. I swear if I was a dog I would be a Purebred Pit Bull because once I get stuck on something I am stuck til I fix it, or make it right. I will not or can not back down from a fight. I don’t start them, not on purpose anyway, but I damn sure finish them. I have never been able to just walk away from something, ever. Some people have to learn that about me the hard way.

I tried to do my radio show tonight but I just couldn’t get it together. Seriously I sounded like one of those crazy drug people at the store that won’t stop talking to you in line, but it gave me a little bit of clarity as odd as that sounds. After I had a meltdown, I laughed my head off. I have had to deal with all of these state agencies these women are calling on me, obviously I did nothing wrong, so none of their calls worked.

Now in my mind at around 7:30pm these women were my “adversaries” this band of idiots I had to be on guard for. I realized something very important after all. These are nothing but a pathetic group of “mean girls” who like to pick on the handicapped. If they did not think I had no case or cause they would’ve let it go but they are on my page right now… Why?

It also takes 6 of them to go after little ol’ me? Perspective is a beautiful thing, simply amazing. Then it occurs to me that that is always the case, any trouble I have had with people they come in groups. Why is that? Either I just piss people off en mass or they feel threatened enough that they have to bring in back up. I guess they will get their own karma back at them soon enough, maybe they are already living in their own karma & just slinging their cosmic crap on others like fecal coliform. Who knows.

My cousin sent me this because she is the kind of person who looks for the good things but she doesn’t know that these things that she views in me she views as “positive” are what make others hate me & want to destroy me. Or makes them call me simple-minded.

Top 10 Terrific Traits of Autistic People

If you’re sick of hearing about all the “deficits” challenging people on the autism spectrum, join the club. But for every down side to autism, there seems to be a positive — an unusual trait that rarely appears among the “typical” community, but shines out among autistic folk. These plusses are well worth celebrating.

1. Autistic People Rarely Lie

We all claim to value the truth, but almost all of us tell little white lies. All, that is, except people on the autism spectrum. To them, truth is truth — and a good word from a person on the spectrum is the real deal.

2. People on the Autism Spectrum Live in the Moment

How often do typical people fail to notice what’s in front of their eyes because they’re distracted by social cues or random chitchat? People on the autism spectrum truely attend to the sensory input that surrounds them. Many have achieved the ideal of mindfulness.

3. People with Autism Rarely Judge Others

Who’s fatter? Richer? Smarter? For people on the autism spectrum, these distinctions hold much less importance than for typical folks. In fact, people on the spectrum often see through such surface appearances to discover the real person.

4. Autistic People are Passionate

Of course, not all autistic people are alike. But many are truly passionate about the things, ideas and people in their lives. How many “typical” people can say the same?

5. People with Autism Are Not Tied to Social Expectations

If you’ve ever bought a car, played a game or joined a club to fit in, you know how hard it is to be true to yourself. But for people with autism, social expectations can be honestly irrelevant. What matters is true liking, interest and passion — not keeping up with the Joneses.

6. People with Autism Have Terrific Memories

How often do typical people forget directions, or fail to take note of colors, names, and other details? People on the autism spectrum are often much more tuned in to details. They may have a much better memory than their typical peers for all kind of critical details.

7. Autistic People Are Less Materialistic

Of course, this is not universally true — but in general, people with autism are far less concerned with outward appearance than their typical peers. As a result, they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive but unimportant externals than most people do.

8. Autistic People Play Fewer Head Games

Who was that woman, and why were you looking at her? I know I TOLD you I didn’t mind if you went out, but why did you believe me? Most autistic people don’t play games like these — and they assume that you won’t either. It’s a refreshing and wonderful change from the Peyton Place emotional roller coaster that mars too many typical relationships!

9. Autistic People Have Fewer Hidden Agendas

Most of the time, if a person on the autism spectrum tells you what he wants — he is telling you what he wants. No need to beat around the bush, second guess, and hope you’re reading between the lines!

10. People with Autism Open New Doors for Neurotypicals

For some of us neurotypicals, having an autistic person in our lives has had a profound positive impact on our perceptions, beliefs and expectations. For me, at least, being the mom of a son on the autism spectrum has released me from a lifetime of “should” — and offered me a new world of “is.”

scream

wordpress visitor
Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Sometimes I break…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s