The other day I go an email, seemingly out of nowhere, I didn’t understand the premise but the title read “You are a good person”
I wasn’t sure why that made me internally uncomfortable, I emailed them back in response & got an even nicer email back.
I sat & thought about why that made me uncomfortable. I am a lot of things but I have never sat & thought to myself “Geez you’re a good person”.
I am a mother, a foster mom, a wife, a grandmother, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a friend, an advocate, an animal rescuer, a minister, & a loudmouth that won’t back down from any fight,
I will protect & defend those I love with my life whether they have skin, fur or feathers.
I love to learn, I love to teach,
I trust others until they give me a reason not to trust them,
I try to see my glass as 1/2 full, I am given to fits of dancing or singing out loud,
I battle every day with the demons in my past in the forms of agoraphobia, depression & severe PTSD,
I will never invent a cure to save mankind I am just hoping to leave this world a better place than I found it.
When I am wrong I admit it, apologize & try to learn, when i am right I will defend it to my death.
Honestly I do do a lot of things that are good…
Then it hits me, I see people like Mother Teresa, my countless foster parents, & the mentors in my life as “Good People” I have never been so bold as to apply that term to myself.
Well because I am not. I like myself, even love myself, I try very hard to be a good person but in my opinion I still have much learning & growing to do.
The saying goes: “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game” My father told me that is just something that losers say. I have never in life, been able to accept that anything my father told me was untrue or incorrect, & for many years that is how I played. I was bringing in 4 to 7K a month, I had a home, cars, college funds, assets & was able to take care of my 4 kids, 3 adopted kids, & 6 siblings. Then one day it was suddenly all gone, my ex didn’t pay the IRS & since we were technically still married they took everything, but then because of all the trouble my husband started they took my youngest kids, I sent them down to my family, & did everything the state asked me to do & got them back & moved on.
That gave me perspective with a capital P. I lost material things but for months I slept at night without my kids in the house, my son went through a whole season of little league without me seeing any of his games, my daughter appeared in the nutcracker & I have no videotape to memorialize the event.
I still had all of my other kids at home & they were still placing foster kids with me but no child is any less important than any other. Yes you heard me right, they took my two youngest kids & were still placing children with me, & left 5 in the home with me; you can’t even make that kind of stupidity up, that requires administrative actions.
I know what it feels like to stand there helplessly & have to get your babies shoes & coats on & hand them over to strangers & KNOWING I was being falsely accused, & when I had to hand over my animals while this woman gloated it was like reliving this all over again. (Maybe they should’ve called CPS & then they would’ve known they were going to have a fight from hell’s fury on their hands) No one takes my babies & walks away with their dignity or their jobs… Just ask the 3 workers who got fired & my ex-husband who is now a 1 eyed gimp, or the women who were calling on me who have lost all of their kids permanently & 2 even went to jail for a while. I am also capable of vengeance, very capable.
The fight that I am in right now has NOT made me a very good person, the corruption that I am finding all around this state, has not brought out the best in me & I understand full well there are times that you must follow the standard of “When in Rome do as the Romans do” I am willing to fight anyway that I have to, to get back my animals & restore my reputation. I am also perfectly willing to retaliate, because some people just need to learn a few good lessons.
I am flattered that someone out there thinks I am a good person, I can be, but right now I am not making any promises to anyone… besides that the Creator isn’t done with me yet, I am a work in progress! I will try to be the good person you think I am but I have a war to win.