"Ode to a Troll"

I have to laugh, because if I don’t I will cry. As hard as things are for me right now it must be far worse to be a useless, trouble making idiotic little troll.

Having no purpose in life, spending countless days behind a computer screen so angry that some one else’s life is so much better than yours, trying so hard to find the darkness to fill the hole inside of your soulless existence. Blaming everyone for your pitiful life & having NOTHING to look forward to. Having no one around who really loves you except for God’s little creatures who don’t know just how ugly & hateful you are. A person who’s own children hate them? Selling them & beating them does not make them love you, blaming them for your lack of control, is still YOUR lack of control. Being so paranoid that every one is out to get you that you can’t think straight, counting your little forks, knives & spoons, putting toothpaste in nail & pin holes in the wall because you think someone is watching you. Trying so hard to get someone or anyone to pay attention to you. Knowing that when you are old you will die alone, there will be no one at Holidays, no cards, letters or phone calls, & the day you leave this earth no one will mourn, they will only be relieved that you are no longer around to cause more problems because people like you live for what seems an eternity, it is true what they say, Beauty is fleeting, ugly is forever. When the life finally leaves your body it will be in anger, blaming the universe.

I would be so much more angry if I didn’t realize what a pathetic existence that you are doomed to, I will carry on with my life, I have beautiful children, wonderful grandchildren, a wonderful husband who loves me, I have friends & family who love me, I am in shape, I am intelligent, beautiful, courageous, stubborn, thick headed, I have traveled the world, met people from all over experienced things that most people only dream about, I can overcome any obstacle you put in front of me because I have faith in myself, in people & in the Creator, my God, I know what it means to be a friend, to have a friend, to lose a friend, to gain a friend, my soul is still pure & full of love & grace. I can still hope for better things in life, & I know where I am going at the end of my life… I will probably be late getting there as I am picking up strays along the way, (but who in their right mind would ever expect me to be on time!) To be with the friends & family & pets that have gone before me, & there will be people who will mourn my loss. When people remember me it will be that stubborn, jabber jaw, scrawny, fiesty loving, hard head who taught & learned, who stood up for those who couldn’t do it for themselves, that risked her life to save other people & animals, that had compassion, that loved others with all of her heart.

Tonight I was at the end of my rope & I screamed to God to have mercy on me & let me die, after much screaming & tears I decided to meditate, & all of this came to me as a realization. I am not perfect, I never will be while I am in human skin, but in my anger I see that your existence is so sad, pathetic & lacking, but you do serve a purpose:

Without your ugliness, backstabbing conniving, & treachery, no one would learn to truly appreciate the goodness, love, loyalty & joy that there is in life. You are a stark reminder of how much worse my life could be & even my darkest moments are like a bright & shining star compared to your best. What is more you CHOOSE to act this way, that is what you want in life. How sad…

My decision is to let go & let God handle it, I have prayed once, I have faith that he will overcome your ugliness, your evilness, your lies, & your repulsiveness & even if I do not win this battle I can always count on winning the war because I am a righteous woman, my intentions are good & I have God on my side. I am sorry you are you & eternally grateful I am me, flaws & all.

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